


i think i'm ready to love you.

by porcelainsimplicity



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 20:09:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9088447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/porcelainsimplicity/pseuds/porcelainsimplicity
Summary: Despite the fact that Jyn Erso was convinced she'd known since the moment she was born, it still took her thirty-six years, four months, eighteen days, and twelve shots of tequila with her best friend before she ever said it aloud.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Scarlett_Phoenix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarlett_Phoenix/gifts).



> hi, i have this alternate universe headcanon where saw gerrera was asexual and tried to raise jyn to be the same but of course it doesn't work like that so it's this big deal and a point of contention with saw when jyn starts to realize she's attracted to other people. it's part of another cassian/jyn au that i'm working on, and that is basically what i started with here and this is what came out of it. 
> 
> also, i wrote this because i needed something to do instead of just sit here and cry over carrie fisher all night, and this is for scarlett because i know she's even more devastated than i am.

Despite the fact that Jyn Erso was convinced she'd known since the moment she was born, it still took her thirty-six years, four months, eighteen days, and twelve shots of tequila with her best friend before she ever said it aloud. They were on a trip to Jedha to celebrate the end of the summer, and something about the time just struck her right.

“So, um, there's something I've never told you,” she started off, her words slurring together and her vision blurring as she looked across the table in the loud nightclub at Bodhi. “Never told anyone, actually.”

“Go on then.” She could tell by Bodhi's words that he'd had as much to drink as she had, though he didn't seem to be as worse for wear as she did.

“Promise not to freak out?”

“Jyn, haven't you learned by now that there is absolutely nothing you could say that would freak me out?”

She pondered that for a few minutes before downing another shot and lowering her voice. “I'm, uh, I'm actually attracted to other people.”

The tiny paper umbrella that Bodhi had been twirling around slipped out of his fingers and landed on the table without a sound, and then he was staring at her, his mouth slightly open and some emotion she was too drunk to detect reflecting in his eyes. And he stayed that way for what felt like an eternity.

“Motherfucking say something, Bodhi. This is like my worst nightmare coming true. The beginning of everyone I know rejecting me.”

Bodhi shook his head briefly then reached across the table, closing his hand around hers. “Jyn,” he said softly, squeezing her fingers gently. “No one is going to reject you.”

“Don't fucking lie to me.”

“I'm not!” he exclaimed, squeezing her hand harder. “I'm just shocked that you've finally said it.”

It took several minutes for his words to sink in, and when they finally did, she reached for the paper umbrella and tucked it into the hair behind her ear. “You knew?”

“Of course I did. We all did. I just had myself convinced that you were going to spend the rest of your life in denial. But I'm so glad that you told me, Jyn. Really. Now, is there a guy?”

Jyn shook her head and slouched down in the booth. "I've never told anyone about this. Of course, there's not a guy."

“Well, we're just going to have to find you one then,” Bodhi said, sounding as confident as one could when they were that drunk. “When are you telling Saw?”

She groaned at the thought of her adoptive father and reached for the nearly empty bottle of tequila. “When I have a cement slab to speak to instead of a man.”

Bodhi clicked his tongue disapprovingly. “He's your father. He'll accept you for who you are.”

Jyn laughed as she poured herself another shot. “Clearly, you haven't spent enough time around Saw. He already disapproves of practically everything in my life. My house, my car, my job, my friends. Everything.”

“He loves you.”

“I'm not sure of that.”

“You're telling him anyway,” Bodhi proclaimed. “You don't get to just tell me and then never mention it again. If you don't tell him, I will.”

Jyn downed her shot and slammed the glass onto the table, glaring at Bodhi until she remembered that he always won their glaring contests. “Fine. I'll tell him when I go home this weekend.”

*****

On Sunday afternoon, she pulled Saw aside right before she left for the airport and told him that she was thinking about starting to date people.

When she checked her email on her phone while waiting for her luggage in the Yavin airport, she discovered a message from Saw that informed her she was no longer welcome back home in Onderon.

*****

“I cursed Saw out in another voicemail today,” Bodhi said as he walked into Jyn's house. “It's ridiculous that he wants to be such a prick about this.”

“And you think that's going to help? He's probably just deleting your voicemails without even listening to them,” Jyn said, closing the door and following him into the sitting room. “Why am I friends with you again?”

“Because I was the first person you met here?” Bodhi said, setting the gigantic shopping bags he was carrying down on the sofa. “And because I'm the only one you would ever let get away with this.”

“And what exactly is this?”

“If you're going to get a boyfriend, then you can't be dressed like a professor all the time,” Bodhi said, digging into one of the bags and pulling out a deep purple shirt with some sort of crazy silvery pattern on the front. “We're going to the hottest club in Yavin tonight, and that means you have to be properly dressed.”

Jyn took one look at the shirt and shook her head. “Absolutely not, Bodhi. I'm not going to change who I am because of this.”

“It's not about changing who you are, it's about embracing who you are,” Bodhi said, pulling a pair of black trousers out of the bag that Jyn could tell would be ridiculously tight on her just by looking at them. “Just give it a chance. And you can't say no, 'cause I've already informed everyone that these are the plans for the night and I'm not letting you back out of them.”

Jyn wanted to put up a fight. She really did. But then Bodhi gave her that look, the one he shot her in class when she veered too far off subject in her lecture, the one that told her he wasn't going to stop until he got what he wanted. And so she held out her hands and took the clothes from his grasp, muttering to herself about what an idiot she was going to look like as she walked towards her bedroom.

*****

When Bodhi had said everyone was going to be at the club, he hadn't been kidding. Chirrut, Baze, Kes, Shara, Dodonna, Draven, even Mon Mothma. Everyone she knew in Yavin was crowded around a table, and she was standing there looking like a complete idiot in some teenager's idea of a shirt and trousers that she could barely sit down in. So when she and Bodhi tried to pass through a large crowd, she acted like they were forced apart and she got lost in the crowd, found her way over to the bar, and started downing tequila shots like they were water and she hadn't had a drink in ten years.

The man next to her at the bar was named Ruescott Melshi, and when he complimented her on the shirt, Jyn knew the guy was nothing but trouble. But then she spotted Bodhi, Chirrut, and Baze making their way towards her, and she downed one last shot before asking Melshi if he wanted to get out of there.

That night, for the first time in her life, Jyn had sex, and when she settled down against her bed to go to sleep, she found herself wondering how on earth she'd lasted thirty-six years, four months, and twenty-nine days without having done that.

*****

Before she really realized what had happened, Jyn had been sleeping with Melshi for almost five months and Melshi had convinced her that it was a good idea for them to live together. So Melshi had moved his stuff in one day while Jyn had been teaching, and then they'd spent another six months living together before Melshi announced one morning that he didn't see a future for them and he'd be gone by noon.

She texted Bodhi once Melshi was gone, and when he got to the house, Bodhi found Jyn lying in the middle of the sitting room floor, an empty bottle of tequila on one side and a half-empty bottle on the other. And like the good friend Bodhi was, he just walked into the room, laid down on the floor next to her, and started cursing out Melshi like he was in the room.

The night ended with Jyn drunkenly crying into Bodhi's shoulder because she had actually cared quite a lot for Melshi, and she'd found some sort of amusing comfort in Bodhi's odd piece of advice.

“Men are like dresses, Jyn. You can't settle for the first one just because it looks nice. You've got to try on others before you can make your final decision, and the last dress you try on will be the right one, even if it means going back to that first one and trying it on again. But don't go back to him. He didn't look good on you. You can do much better.”

*****

So Jyn tried on others. Everyone that she knew tried to fix her up with someone, and there were numerous others beyond that, some lasting nothing more than a few days, others lasting a few months. But none seemed to fit, and she grew more despondent by the day, convinced that she really was going to end up alone.

Then one week she went over to Chirrut and Baze's place for the traditional Sunday of football and alcohol and was introduced to a friend of Chirrut's named Cassian. And Cassian was absolutely gorgeous. She barely saw him that day, Chirrut disappearing off upstairs with him and Baze slowly explaining throughout the day that Cassian was getting over a nasty divorce, and so as quickly as the thought had entered her mind, Jyn forced it out. The last thing she wanted was to be someone's rebound.

But then Cassian was there again the next week, and the week after that, and the week after that. He was charming and funny, and she got used to the idea of Cassian being around. Once she started really getting to know him, she started to really, really like what she learned. Then Baze dropped the knowledge that Cassian had moved to Yavin permanently into a telephone conversation, and Jyn started driving herself crazy because she could not get this guy out of her head.

Bodhi caught her staring across the room one too many times, and she was forced into admitting that she was insanely attracted to the newest addition to their circle of friends. And the next Sunday, Bodhi spent the day deeply engrossed in conversation with Chirrut and Jyn wanted to panic, but she trusted that Bodhi wouldn't take information that was shared in confidence and use it against her, so she forced it – and Cassian – out of her mind.

****

Jyn wanted her fortieth birthday to be a non-event, but of course, Bodhi wasn't going to let that happen. So everyone ended up at Jyn's house, including her friends' kids, and what was supposed to be a celebration just started reminding her of things she'd never have, and she grabbed a bottle of tequila and stole Kes's cigarettes, escaped onto the back steps, lit up, and started drinking straight from the bottle.

When the door opened behind her about ten minutes later, she pulled the cigarette from her lips and growled irritably. “Fuck off, Bodhi. I told you I didn't want this fucking party.”

“I'm not Bodhi,” came Cassian's voice, and Jyn turned her head so she was looking at him.

“Then feel free to join me.”

Cassian sat down next to her and plucked the package of cigarettes off Jyn's knee, pulling one out of the pack and looking around for the lighter. Jyn had it clenched in her right hand so she flicked it on and held it out, Cassian nodding in thanks as he dipped the end of the cigarette into the flame. 

They sat in silence for several minutes, music and the sound of squealing children floating out through an open window. It was the most peaceful Jyn had felt in the nearly four years since she'd opened her drunken mouth and spilled her deepest, darkest secret to Bodhi, and even though she tried to stop the thought before it began, she couldn't help thinking that Cassian's presence next to her had something to do with that.

“Nice night,” Cassian eventually said, flicking ash from the end of the cigarette onto the cement sidewalk below them. “Sabine loved nights like this.”

“Yeah, it is a nice night,” Jyn replied, taking another swig from the tequila bottle before deciding to take the opening Cassian had just given her. “Who's Sabine?”

Cassian took a long drag off the cigarette and then slowly exhaled the smoke before answering. "My ex. She loved sitting out in the yard and watching the stars. We lived far enough outside of the city that we had a pretty decent view of them compared to this. It's one of the few things I miss about being with her. I don't think she misses much of anything about me, however." 

“How long were you together?”

“Since our early twenties. It's a difficult thing to tear a life shared together for that long back into two separate ones, but at the same time, it was ridiculously easy too. Made me never want to get married ever again. It's about time I told you these things, really.”

“Cassian," Jyn said, "why are you telling me now if you don't mind me asking?"

Cassian bent down and put the cigarette out against the cement, then sighed heavily. “Because I think I'm ready for something to happen.” He didn't say anything else, just slid closer to Jyn than he'd been and reached up to tuck a lock of unruly hair behind Jyn's ear. “Happy birthday. I didn't know what to get you for a present, but I'm hoping this will be acceptable.”

“It's not a happy birthday, but thanks,” Jyn said, turning to look at him and ask about the present and pausing when she saw the look in Cassian's eyes. “What?”

Cassian leaned forward slowly, hesitating for a moment before gently pressing their lips together, and Jyn felt like her heart might stop. She felt the bottle of tequila slip out of her fingers and barely registered the sound of it crashing against the cement, turning into Cassian's embrace and allowing him to deepen the kiss. They broke apart when the door suddenly opened behind them, Kes and Shara's four-year-old son Poe running out quickly.

“Poe! Come back here now!” Shara appeared on the back steps moments later, looking down at them. “Oh, I'm sorry, did he just interrupt something?”

“Just a conversation,” Cassian said quickly, standing up and jogging out into the yard. “I'll round him up for you, Shara.”

“Thanks!” Shara called out, looking down at Jyn. “You're missing out on your own party?”

“I'll be back inside in a few minutes,” Jyn said reluctantly. “Just needed a break.”

“I don't blame you,” Shara said, putting her hands on her hips as Cassian led her son back to her. “You cannot just go running out of the house! Especially at night!”

“Sorry Mama,” Poe said as he walked up the steps and into the house.

When the door was closed and Jyn found herself alone with Cassian again, she ran her hands through her hair before looking up at him. “Me? You want me?”

“Yes,” Cassian said plainly, walking up the steps and glancing into the house. “Bodhi's coming. Look, how about I make sure I'm the last to leave tonight and we talk once everyone else is gone?”

Jyn nodded in agreement just before the door opened again, and there was no mistaking the annoyance in Bodhi's voice. “I organize this whole party for you and you're hiding out here? I don't think so, Jyn Erso. Get back in here.”

*****

Cassian volunteered to stay late and help Jyn clean up, and Bodhi studied both him and Jyn carefully before finally agreeing to leave. Jyn closed the door behind them, then paused before doing up all the locks and turning back to Cassian. “You want to know what you could really give me for my birthday? Something that would make it much better than it has been so far?”

“What is that?” Cassian asked, smiling when Jyn turned off the lights and walked towards him.

“You could take me upstairs to bed,” Jyn said softly, wrapping her arms around Cassian's waist, “and then you could show me how to have a good time.”

Cassian growled and captured Jyn's lips in a hard kiss, his hands coming up to tangle in her hair. He broke the kiss almost as quickly as he'd initiated it, resting his forehead against Jyn's. “I really do want to talk to you.”

“In the morning," Jyn said, walking back towards the stairs and pulling Cassian along with her. "Just give me this night first."

“Alright,” Cassian said, sliding his hands underneath Jyn's shirt as they reached the stairs. “Can't have you not enjoying your birthday.”

*****

They talked the next morning, and the morning after that, and the morning after that. They didn't say anything to anyone about the start of their relationship, though Jyn was certain that Bodhi had it figured out in seventy-two hours and had told everyone else. There was a sense that there was something special about their interactions, something that had the indications of something permanent, and neither wanted it ruined by their friends and attempted helpful actions that were really rather unhelpful.

But within three months, they'd stopped trying to hide. Cassian had more belongings at Jyn's house than he had at his apartment, and Jyn couldn't keep the smile off her face when Bodhi started asking her how things were going with Cassian. Jyn was happy, really, truly happy, and when Cassian first told her that he loved her, for the first time in her life, Jyn knew she could say it back and really mean it.

Cassian eventually gave up the apartment and moved in, and so he was there when the phone rang one Wednesday evening and Saw was on the other end, inviting Jyn back to Onderon for a weekend. Jyn didn't know what to say to him at first, but then Cassian linked their fingers together and Jyn found herself telling Saw that she'd only come if she could bring her boyfriend along with her. When Saw said that would be alright because he needed to see if this man would be someone Galen would have approved of, Jyn had barely held it together as she hung up the phone. Cassian held her as she cried, knowing that Saw's acceptance was the one thing Jyn had still wished for.

The trip to Onderon went better than Jyn had expected, and then she got swept up into the rest of the semester and final exams and before she realized it, an entire year had passed and it was her birthday again, this time number forty-one. She'd expected another party, seeing as they had one for everyone's birthday, but was pleasantly surprised when Bodhi talked about how the party wasn't going to happen until the next week because Kes was in Eadu on business and she went home to find nothing but Cassian and candlelight and a birthday-slash-anniversary dinner.

“Do you remember the conversation we had a year ago when I told you I never wanted to get married again?” Cassian said later that night as they sat on the back steps and shared a cigarette.

“Of course,” Jyn said, unsure of why that was being brought up.

“I absolutely meant it when I said it,” Cassian said, leaning back and digging into his left pocket, pulling out a small box and setting in on Jyn's knee. “But you've changed my mind about things.”

*****

In the middle of the night, with Cassian sound asleep next to her and the light reflecting off the diamond and gold band around her finger, Jyn reached for her phone and sent Bodhi a text.

_Remember that odd piece of advice you gave me after Melshi moved out years ago? Well, I can finally tell you I've found the right dress._


End file.
